10 things I won't be doing any time soon.

While working online this morning (i.e. searching for a horoscope that said anything at all hope inspiring about my day ahead), I stumbled across an article titled “10 Ways to Wake Up Beautiful”. Seeing as I have seen myself almost every morning for the last 32 years and have yet to think, “Wow. Now that is how you wake up beautiful!” I figured it was worth a look. God knows, I can use all the help I can get these days.

Wow. Was I wrong.

This article needs all the help it can get. So that’s just what I did. Don’t thank me now for all my sage advice. Just send money. And wine.

1. Get an Early Start.
Make a habit of washing your face a few hours before bed. If you wait until you're tired, you're more likely to blow it off -- allowing "toxins and dirt to stay on there all night," says dermatologist Laurie Polis of N.Y.C. Another consequence? You miss the best time to treat your skin. "At night there's more blood flow to the skin's surface, and there's nothing else on your face to interfere with absorption," Polis says.

1. Try to Remember to Wash Your Face.
Short of pasting a post-it note every 20 - 30 feet around my home/office/car, I am lucky if I remember to do anything most days. The fact that I get up every morning is only due to my husband remembering to set the alarm. Other than that, my nighttime routine is pretty much up to me. Maybe the moral to this story is to get a husband who will wash your face for you. And give you a pedicure as well. Because who doesn’t need a pedicure?

2. Sleep on Your Back.
Note to Audrey Hepburn fans: Lying on your stomach is bad for "beauty sleep." The average head weighs 7 to 8 pounds -- a lot of pressure to be putting on your face every night. In fact, many dermatologists say they can tell what side of the face people sleep on by the number of wrinkles there.

2. Sleep. It’s just that simple.
But for being so simple? It’s not that easy. If you find a good way to fall asleep quickly and easily (outside of meds and drinking heavily - both of which I have tried) tell me. Hell, tell everyone. But patent it first. You’ll want to make some bank on that.

3. Get a Lift.
Sleep with your head elevated on two pillows, or put the headrest area of your bed on 2- to 4-inch pieces of wood. Gravity helps lymph and blood flow so fluid won't accumulate, Polis says.

3. Get a Life.
Who wants 2 to 4 inch pieces of wood under the feet of their bed? And what happens if the dog knocks them out whilst scrambling under there in a thunderstorm? Dog vs Bed? I am thinking the bed wins. You don’t want that sort of thing on your head. The guilt alone will give you way more wrinkles than fluid accumulation.

4. Save Money, Not Wrinkles.
At night you don't need to worry about eye treatments smearing your makeup, so slather on the richest formula you can. Polis swears by Aquaphor: "It conditions lashes and hydrates the delicate eye skin really well."

4. Just Save Your Money. Period.
Who has extra money to be spending on “the richest formula” eye cream you can get? Seriously? Am I the only one living in this economy? Besides, I’m lucky if I remember to wash my face. Didn’t you read #1?

5. Sneak a Glow.
Mix a drop of self-tanner into your night cream or use a cream that contains a bit of tan-producing DHA.

5. Sneak a Shot of Jack in Your Coffee.
Mix a shot (or two) of Jack in your morning coffee. The caffeine gets you going and the Jack will put a rosy hue on your cheeks. Bonus? You won’t hate your commute as much. You’re welcome.

6. Avoid Carb Face.
To wake with defined cheekbones, eat a high-protein, low-sugar dinner (try salmon and asparagus, a natural diuretic). Skip the rice, pasta and potatoes. "When our diet's high in glycemic carbohydrates, our features take on a soft, doughy appearance," says Connecticut dermatologist Nicholas Perricone.

6. Marry a Plastic Surgeon.
If you really want defined cheekbones, have someone alter your face. There’s never a reason to avoid carbs. Don’t buy into the hype. In fact, have some potato chips with a glass of wine - the two are a nice compliment.

7. Wrap It Up.
To minimize A.M. frizz, sleep on a satin pillowcase or put your hair in a silk scarf. "Those fabrics are much softer than cotton, so there's less friction," says Harry Josh, a John Frieda stylist.

7. While you’re at it? Better Wrap Yourself in Duct Tape.
Because if you’re sleeping on jacked up pillows to prevent head swelling with satin pillowcases and/or a silk scarf to prevent friction? Your ass is sliding right down that bed. Expect to wake up somewhere close to your significant other’s mid section. Better hope he didn’t have a burrito for dinner.

8. Find Your Inner Ballerina
Pile hair into a twist on the top of your head (use a scrunchie to avoid crimping). "In the morning you'll have major volume and beautiful waves," Josh says.

8. Find Your Inner Bitch.
Someone has a problem with how your hair looks in the morning? Tell them to go to hell. You’re probably cranky anyway from not getting enough sleep and your neck is sore from trying to prop yourself up on 23 pillows so your head won’t bloat. Channeling your inner bitch has never been easier.

9. Turn on the Hair Conditioning.
Sleep with a moisturizing treatment in damp hair overnight. We like Philip B. Katira Hair Masque, but any rich conditioner will do. Rinse in the morning.

9. …….
Seriously? Wet hair smeared with conditioner, wrapped up on top of your head, covered with a silk scarf, eyes smeared with cream, trying to sleep on a jacked up pillow covered in satin? Yeah, *that* sounds like the perfect recipe for sleep to me. Who wouldn't feel beautiful?

10. Pop a Rooster Pill.
Trust us, we were skeptical. But after swallowing two Wake Up on Time pills at 11 P.M., we found it much easier to get out of bed seven hours later. Created by a sleep-deprived single mother, the pills contain an energizing blend of thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, vitamins B6 and B12 and guarana-seed extract. It's formulated with a coating that releases ingredients into your bloodstream toward the end of your last sleep cycle, so you wake up feeling clear-headed, not fuzzy.

10. Pop Some Pills. Wash Down With Wine. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Now this is a suggestion I can get down with. Better living through chemistry. Uncork a bottle of wine, pour yourself a nice big glass, pop whatever pills make you feel beautiful. Repeat until desired effect is achieved. Oh, okay, wait, I just actually read their suggestion. That’s not quite what they meant. Okay then, never mind, my suggestion is better. Trust me. (Just don’t tell your friends. Or your family. Or your coworkers. And definitely not your therapist. Or you will find yourself in the middle of an intervention. Again, trust me.)

(original article found here. Seriously, who reads these? I mean other than snarky bitches like me who want to mock them. )