Monday, November 2, 2009

I don't have a drinking problem. I have a sobriety problem.

Self Image

Sober: "I feel fat and these jeans are too tight. I need to go on a diet. Like, now."
2 Drinks: "I'm not fat, I'm curvy. I like my curves. In fact, these jeans hug all my curves in all the right places."
4 Drinks: "I'm HOT. These jeans look AWE-SOME!"
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. I'm getting naked! Wooooooo!"


Sober: "Check."
2 Drinks: "Um..... check."
4 Drinks: "Raise!"
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. I'm all in baby!!! Woooooo!"

My Volume

Sober: (loud, okay? I'm always loud.)
2 Drinks: "No, I do not have an indoor voice!"
4 Drinks: "What??!? You "sssshhhhh!!!" yourself!"

My Job

Sober: "Ugh. This job is killing me. I spent 7 years in college for this? Janitors make more than I do. Fuck."
2 Drinks: "These kids need me."
4 Drinks: "I can make a difference! These kids just need someone to support them!"
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. I RULE this school!!!! Wooooooo!"


Sober: "Um, I'll have a salad, dressing on the side."
2 Drinks: "Is anyone else hungry?"
4 Drinks: "Hey! Know what would be great right now? NACHOS."
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. Let's order a pizza!! NO!! TWO pizzas!! And fries! Woooooooo!"


Sober: "I'll have a glass of wine. And a water."
2 Drinks: "You call this a glass? Can't I get a pint glass or something? How much is a bottle?"
4 Drinks: "Let's talk mixed drinks..."
8 Drinks: "Shots?? Heeeeeell yes! Line 'em up!"

Bar Music

Sober: (what music?)
2 Drinks: "Wow. Good tunes."
4 Drinks: "I love this song!!!!"
8 Drinks: "Ess-ess-ess-ess... Aye-aye-aye-aye... Eff-eff-eff-eff... Eee-eee-eee-eee... Tee-tee-tee-tee... Why-why-why-why... Sa-a-a-fety DANCE! We can dance if want to! We can leave your friends behind! Because your friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!!!"


Sober: "Jamie is tired.... ugh...."
2 Drinks: "Jamie is having a glass of wine...."
4 Drinks: "Jamie thinks sobriety is for the weak."
8 Drinks: "Jamie loves all her friends! and family! and WINE!!!! Wooooooooo!"

My Blog

Sober: "MS sucks."
2 Drinks: "Wanna know why MS sucks? Cause I can't sleep. And I cry. All. The. Time. And I am tired. And weak. And the meds..... christ! the damn needles!! Have I shown you my bruises??"
4 Drinks: "Life could be worse."
8 Drinks: "I don't have a drinking problem. I have a sobriety problem."

(problem solved.)