Reasons I hate the gym.

1. Fat Men in Sleeveless T-shirts.

Seriously guys? Take note here: A big baggy t-shirt with the arms ripped off? Not Attractive. Having to see your big hairy man-boobs every time you move? Borderline criminal. Someone is going to vomit in their mouth at an inopportune moment on the stair climber and choke to death. You don't want that on your conscience. So knock it off! Wear your sleeves or wear a bra. Your choice.

2. Skinny Bitches.

Look here girls, you're already skinny. Get off the damn elliptical and get out of my gym. Go home, eat a pizza or two. Yes, a whole pizza. You will thank me. Come back when you're fat and need to be at the gym. Unless you're one of those types who can eat whole pizzas on a regular basis and never gain an ounce. In that case, you can just go straight to hell.

3. 70's Pornstar Mustaches.

No one should have these. Seriously. Not at the gym, not anywhere. This is simply a good rule to live by. Trust me.

4. Food Network on the TV.

I'm on the elliptical, trying to work my fat ass off, and someone is on the TV, right in front of me, deep frying a turkey? You. bastards. After that? Paula Dean. Making a damn cake. I almost drowned in my own saliva.

5. No, I was not checking you out.

Okay, again, guys? Especially older guys who somehow believe that being all sweaty and gross somehow makes your beer gut and comb-over more attractive to the opposite sex? If I happen to look up from the treadmill/stair master/elliptical/stationary bike at just the right moment to (unfortunately) make eye contact? It does not mean I am checking you out. I am not warm for your form. So please stop walking past me so I can get a better look.

6. It Reminds Me that I am Fat.

Any chance all that jiggling going on behind me while I'm on the elliptical is actually attractive?

Yeah. I didn't think so.

Fuck.

Guess I'm going back again tomorrow.