Why blog when I can say what needs to be said with music?

(I mean hell, I'm not reinventing the wheel here.)

((plus? I am uber-lazy today. Deal with it.))

"With friends like you, who needs enemies?
You ain't right, you ain't never gonna be,
You're out of the car, I'm afraid you've been declined.
You shake my hand, while you're pissing on my leg
I'm cuttin you loose, I don't need this misery
Your soul is toxic, you ain't no friend of mine.

You talk real trash when I'm not around
To build yourself up, you gotta to tear me down.
You'll have to excuse me, I've got better things to do.
You smile through your teeth, you talk out your neck
Every chance you get you're gonna stab my back.
Your time's run out, I've got nothing left for you...

I'm leaving you far behind.
I'm leaving you far behind.
Stop wasting all, all my time.
I'm leaving you far behind.

So I'm pulling out the weeds, I'm taking stock
You can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk
Your narcissistic ways have gotten the best of you.
So I'm leaving you to sink, in all your glory
For you and me it's the end of the story.
Get out of my way, I've got better things to do...

I'm leaving you far behind.
I'm leaving you far behind.
Stop wasting all, all my time.
I'm leaving you far behind.

With friends like you, who needs enemies?
You ain't right, you ain't never gonna be
Your soul is toxic, you ain't no friend of mine."

Serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime.

So I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. (A friend who, by the way, mocked my liberal use of you-tube music videos in my blog.... he's just jealous.... I could communicate solely in music if I needed to.) And somewhere in the conversation, he says to me, "I forget sometimes that you have MS. And when I remember, it just seems so unfair. Also, you're like, the coolest person I know. And I wish I could use music videos with the mastery you do."

(It was something like that anyway. I know for sure at least the first part is accurate. The second parts may have just been implied. He was definitely saying it with his eyes though.)

My reply to him was that of course it's unfair - but why not me? Wouldn't it be unfair for anyone? And aren't there people, far less deserving than me, suffering from illness and hardship way worse than MS? Of course there are. And of course it's unfair. Why not me?

That bit of the conversation - albeit a short part of a longer conversation - made me think of the idea of karma. I often feel like karma's bitch. What may I have done in past lives to influence both the good and bad that is now occurring in this life? And how is what I am doing in this life setting me up for the next journey? Will I ever get it right? Can anyone?

Do I really care? ;-)

It's all a part of the journey. Everything - every choice, every chance, every moment - is a lesson to be learned or an experience to be embraced. Including MS. I don't know what the lesson is. Maybe it is just karmic retribution. Maybe next time will be easier. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'm just serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime. Or maybe, just maybe, without the good done by another in another lifetime? This would all be much much worse.

Mostly? I just like the idea that we all get a chance to do it all again. And again. And again.

Good. Bad. Or indifferent.




"Galileo's head was on the block
The crime was looking up the truth
And as the bombshells of my daily fears explode
I try to trace them to my youth

And then you had to bring up reincarnation
Over a couple of beers the other night
And now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another
In another lifetime

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light
I call on the resting soul of Galileo
King of night vision
King of insight

I think about my fear of motion
Which I never could explain
Some other fool across the ocean years ago
Must have crashed his little airplane

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light
I call on the resting soul of Galileo
King of night vision
King of insight

I'm not making a joke you know me I take everything so seriously
If we wait for the time till all souls get it right
Then at least I know there'll be no nuclear annihalation in my lifetime
I'm still not right

I offer thanks to those before me that's all I've got to say
Cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime
Now I have to pay
But then again it feels like some sort of inspiration
To let the next life off the hook
Or she'll say
Look what I had to overcome from my last life
I think I'll write a book

How long till my soul gets it right
(till my soul gets it right)
Can any human being ever reach the highest light
Except for Galileo
(resting soul)
Resting soul
(of Galileo)
King of night vision
King of insight

How long?
(till my soul gets it right)
(till we reach the highest light)
How long?
(till my soul gets it right)
(till we reach the hightest light)
How long?"

Meet you on the other side.

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe

Stay with me
You're all I see...

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me

As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side...

The wisdom to know the difference.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change those things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

The serenity prayer. Known and loved/hated by thousands of addicts around the world. And me.

(and I am certainly an addict, though not to any particular vise... but that is a post for another time.)

Long before I knew its daily use in AA meetings, I loved this quote. I actually used it as my high school senior quote - right under the smiling picture of a 17 year-old me who had no idea what lie ahead of her. I still love it, but with one caveat. I don't think that God (or anyone else for that matter) is simply going to grant me these things. I think it's something I have to choose for myself. And choose to work on.

I have not been working on this recently.

In fact, I can't remember the last time I found anything even remotely resembling serenity. And acceptance is equally hard to come by when it feels like you're trying to keep a strangle hold on your sanity.

I have, however, begun to recognize those things in my life that I can and cannot change.

(and as GI Joe would say, knowing is half the battle.)

I cannot change other people. I can accept them for who they are or I can extract them from my life. It’s as simple as that.

It’s extremely hard, though, to come to terms with the knowledge that someone you care about is no longer a beneficial part of your life. Sometimes relationships have an expiration date. Something that was beautiful and fulfilling in its time may now be draining or painful or simply exhausting. I can’t change that. But I can choose to remember the good times, love that relationship for what it was, and stop trying to make people live up to my expectations.

(release my kung-fu grip on those expectations, as it were.)

((yes, that was my second GI Joe reference in one post.))

I can change my attitude. What is that quote? Ah yes....

“Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we react to it.”

These are the choices we make everyday. I can choose to be happier. I can choose to be more positive. All those people whom I can’t change? I can change how I let them effect me.

I used to be quite proud of the fact that I exuded a positive outlook on things. I was optimistic. I looked for and believed in the best of people. I spread the love, peace, hope, and joy.

Now? Not so much.

Somewhere along the line, I lost that. Or it was chipped away. Or it simply gave up and left. But I miss it. I miss that version of me.

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.”

While this quote amuses me - and the pessimist in me agrees with it - I am tired of being proven right. I want to be proven wrong. So maybe it’s time to change my attitude. Make myself smile until I start to believe it? Maybe....

I can’t change MS. It’s an incurable disease. I’d like to say I could change my attitude about MS and choose to see it as some sort of blessing that is going to alter my life in positive ways, but let’s be honest, shall we? I can’t do that. Not right now. It’s too new. Too fresh. And quite frankly, too scary.

I can change my health. While MS is certainly going to do things to me - physically, mentally, and emotionally - that I did not sign off on, that doesn’t mean I have to help it along. The best thing I can do for myself is maintain the aspects of health that I do have some control over. So I need to eat better. Not drink so much. (*gasp!!*) Exercise more. Take my meds and supplements every day. And generally manage my stress levels better. Some of that is just mental stuff as well. Stress is never visited upon us. We inflict it on ourselves. And if we allow it to overwhelm us, surely we are only harming ourselves.

I still have some thinking to do. And let’s face it, with as much time as I spend trapped in my own head, that won’t be too hard. However, then comes the hard part - mustering up some courage and serenity.

I wish they made a pill for that.

Reasons I hate the gym.

1. Fat Men in Sleeveless T-shirts.

Seriously guys? Take note here: A big baggy t-shirt with the arms ripped off? Not Attractive. Having to see your big hairy man-boobs every time you move? Borderline criminal. Someone is going to vomit in their mouth at an inopportune moment on the stair climber and choke to death. You don't want that on your conscience. So knock it off! Wear your sleeves or wear a bra. Your choice.

2. Skinny Bitches.

Look here girls, you're already skinny. Get off the damn elliptical and get out of my gym. Go home, eat a pizza or two. Yes, a whole pizza. You will thank me. Come back when you're fat and need to be at the gym. Unless you're one of those types who can eat whole pizzas on a regular basis and never gain an ounce. In that case, you can just go straight to hell.

3. 70's Pornstar Mustaches.

No one should have these. Seriously. Not at the gym, not anywhere. This is simply a good rule to live by. Trust me.

4. Food Network on the TV.

I'm on the elliptical, trying to work my fat ass off, and someone is on the TV, right in front of me, deep frying a turkey? You. bastards. After that? Paula Dean. Making a damn cake. I almost drowned in my own saliva.

5. No, I was not checking you out.

Okay, again, guys? Especially older guys who somehow believe that being all sweaty and gross somehow makes your beer gut and comb-over more attractive to the opposite sex? If I happen to look up from the treadmill/stair master/elliptical/stationary bike at just the right moment to (unfortunately) make eye contact? It does not mean I am checking you out. I am not warm for your form. So please stop walking past me so I can get a better look.

6. It Reminds Me that I am Fat.

Any chance all that jiggling going on behind me while I'm on the elliptical is actually attractive?

Yeah. I didn't think so.

Fuck.

Guess I'm going back again tomorrow.

What day is this?

"Maybe different but remember
Winters warm where you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
In the river
Swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom
You and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

That I should have done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this"

What have I been missing?

Stop.

Be quiet.
Be still.
The signs are there.
They are small. They are hiding. They are all but silent.
And they are pointing out the way.

Ssssshhhhhhh.

Be still.

We rush through our days.
Weeks.
Years.
Never stopping to really take a look around.
To read between the lines.
To notice the details.

"The devil is in the details" they say.
Life is in the details.
And it's the details that we often fail to see.
Those who love us.
Those who care.
Those who do not.
Those who never will.
Those who show us who they are - in a thousand small ways.
Everyday.

(How do we show our self?)

It's the daily events.
Strung together. Played out over time.
And in those daily events?
Small moments.
Small signs.
Tiny gestures.
Moments of beauty.
Chances for greatness.
Opportunities to spread light.
Love.
Peace.
Joy.
Hope.

Knowledge we are missing.
Paths left untraveled.
Words unspoken.

Stop.

Be still.

Don't miss the moments.
Don't ignore the signs.
Seize every opportunity.
Embrace the details.
Enjoy the journey.
Spread the love.

See the big picture.
But notice the brushwork.

Be. Still.

10 things I won't be doing any time soon.

While working online this morning (i.e. searching for a horoscope that said anything at all hope inspiring about my day ahead), I stumbled across an article titled “10 Ways to Wake Up Beautiful”. Seeing as I have seen myself almost every morning for the last 32 years and have yet to think, “Wow. Now that is how you wake up beautiful!” I figured it was worth a look. God knows, I can use all the help I can get these days.

Wow. Was I wrong.

This article needs all the help it can get. So that’s just what I did. Don’t thank me now for all my sage advice. Just send money. And wine.

1. Get an Early Start.
Make a habit of washing your face a few hours before bed. If you wait until you're tired, you're more likely to blow it off -- allowing "toxins and dirt to stay on there all night," says dermatologist Laurie Polis of N.Y.C. Another consequence? You miss the best time to treat your skin. "At night there's more blood flow to the skin's surface, and there's nothing else on your face to interfere with absorption," Polis says.

1. Try to Remember to Wash Your Face.
Short of pasting a post-it note every 20 - 30 feet around my home/office/car, I am lucky if I remember to do anything most days. The fact that I get up every morning is only due to my husband remembering to set the alarm. Other than that, my nighttime routine is pretty much up to me. Maybe the moral to this story is to get a husband who will wash your face for you. And give you a pedicure as well. Because who doesn’t need a pedicure?

2. Sleep on Your Back.
Note to Audrey Hepburn fans: Lying on your stomach is bad for "beauty sleep." The average head weighs 7 to 8 pounds -- a lot of pressure to be putting on your face every night. In fact, many dermatologists say they can tell what side of the face people sleep on by the number of wrinkles there.

2. Sleep. It’s just that simple.
But for being so simple? It’s not that easy. If you find a good way to fall asleep quickly and easily (outside of meds and drinking heavily - both of which I have tried) tell me. Hell, tell everyone. But patent it first. You’ll want to make some bank on that.

3. Get a Lift.
Sleep with your head elevated on two pillows, or put the headrest area of your bed on 2- to 4-inch pieces of wood. Gravity helps lymph and blood flow so fluid won't accumulate, Polis says.

3. Get a Life.
Who wants 2 to 4 inch pieces of wood under the feet of their bed? And what happens if the dog knocks them out whilst scrambling under there in a thunderstorm? Dog vs Bed? I am thinking the bed wins. You don’t want that sort of thing on your head. The guilt alone will give you way more wrinkles than fluid accumulation.

4. Save Money, Not Wrinkles.
At night you don't need to worry about eye treatments smearing your makeup, so slather on the richest formula you can. Polis swears by Aquaphor: "It conditions lashes and hydrates the delicate eye skin really well."

4. Just Save Your Money. Period.
Who has extra money to be spending on “the richest formula” eye cream you can get? Seriously? Am I the only one living in this economy? Besides, I’m lucky if I remember to wash my face. Didn’t you read #1?

5. Sneak a Glow.
Mix a drop of self-tanner into your night cream or use a cream that contains a bit of tan-producing DHA.

5. Sneak a Shot of Jack in Your Coffee.
Mix a shot (or two) of Jack in your morning coffee. The caffeine gets you going and the Jack will put a rosy hue on your cheeks. Bonus? You won’t hate your commute as much. You’re welcome.

6. Avoid Carb Face.
To wake with defined cheekbones, eat a high-protein, low-sugar dinner (try salmon and asparagus, a natural diuretic). Skip the rice, pasta and potatoes. "When our diet's high in glycemic carbohydrates, our features take on a soft, doughy appearance," says Connecticut dermatologist Nicholas Perricone.

6. Marry a Plastic Surgeon.
If you really want defined cheekbones, have someone alter your face. There’s never a reason to avoid carbs. Don’t buy into the hype. In fact, have some potato chips with a glass of wine - the two are a nice compliment.

7. Wrap It Up.
To minimize A.M. frizz, sleep on a satin pillowcase or put your hair in a silk scarf. "Those fabrics are much softer than cotton, so there's less friction," says Harry Josh, a John Frieda stylist.

7. While you’re at it? Better Wrap Yourself in Duct Tape.
Because if you’re sleeping on jacked up pillows to prevent head swelling with satin pillowcases and/or a silk scarf to prevent friction? Your ass is sliding right down that bed. Expect to wake up somewhere close to your significant other’s mid section. Better hope he didn’t have a burrito for dinner.

8. Find Your Inner Ballerina
Pile hair into a twist on the top of your head (use a scrunchie to avoid crimping). "In the morning you'll have major volume and beautiful waves," Josh says.

8. Find Your Inner Bitch.
Someone has a problem with how your hair looks in the morning? Tell them to go to hell. You’re probably cranky anyway from not getting enough sleep and your neck is sore from trying to prop yourself up on 23 pillows so your head won’t bloat. Channeling your inner bitch has never been easier.

9. Turn on the Hair Conditioning.
Sleep with a moisturizing treatment in damp hair overnight. We like Philip B. Katira Hair Masque, but any rich conditioner will do. Rinse in the morning.

9. …….
Seriously? Wet hair smeared with conditioner, wrapped up on top of your head, covered with a silk scarf, eyes smeared with cream, trying to sleep on a jacked up pillow covered in satin? Yeah, *that* sounds like the perfect recipe for sleep to me. Who wouldn't feel beautiful?

10. Pop a Rooster Pill.
Trust us, we were skeptical. But after swallowing two Wake Up on Time pills at 11 P.M., we found it much easier to get out of bed seven hours later. Created by a sleep-deprived single mother, the pills contain an energizing blend of thiamin, riboflavin, niacin, vitamins B6 and B12 and guarana-seed extract. It's formulated with a coating that releases ingredients into your bloodstream toward the end of your last sleep cycle, so you wake up feeling clear-headed, not fuzzy.

10. Pop Some Pills. Wash Down With Wine. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Now this is a suggestion I can get down with. Better living through chemistry. Uncork a bottle of wine, pour yourself a nice big glass, pop whatever pills make you feel beautiful. Repeat until desired effect is achieved. Oh, okay, wait, I just actually read their suggestion. That’s not quite what they meant. Okay then, never mind, my suggestion is better. Trust me. (Just don’t tell your friends. Or your family. Or your coworkers. And definitely not your therapist. Or you will find yourself in the middle of an intervention. Again, trust me.)

(original article found here. Seriously, who reads these? I mean other than snarky bitches like me who want to mock them. )

None of these pictures are worth a thousand words.

Whenever I see pretty clouds? I think of you. :-)

I can't believe someone let me be a parent. Seriously.

Meow.

Happiness is.... a cherry martini. :-)

This? is bullshit. And this is just my daily morning regimin. One might think that after this many pills, I wouldn't have room to eat. One would be mistaken. My bathroom scale knows better. (Don't you feel silly for not knowing as much as a bathroom scale? It's a cheap one too. For shame.)

Last, but never least = Go Phils.

I don't have a drinking problem. I have a sobriety problem.

Self Image

Sober: "I feel fat and these jeans are too tight. I need to go on a diet. Like, now."
2 Drinks: "I'm not fat, I'm curvy. I like my curves. In fact, these jeans hug all my curves in all the right places."
4 Drinks: "I'm HOT. These jeans look AWE-SOME!"
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. I'm getting naked! Wooooooo!"


Poker

Sober: "Check."
2 Drinks: "Um..... check."
4 Drinks: "Raise!"
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. I'm all in baby!!! Woooooo!"


My Volume

Sober: (loud, okay? I'm always loud.)
2 Drinks: "No, I do not have an indoor voice!"
4 Drinks: "What??!? You "sssshhhhh!!!" yourself!"
8 Drinks: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"


My Job

Sober: "Ugh. This job is killing me. I spent 7 years in college for this? Janitors make more than I do. Fuck."
2 Drinks: "These kids need me."
4 Drinks: "I can make a difference! These kids just need someone to support them!"
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. I RULE this school!!!! Wooooooo!"


Food

Sober: "Um, I'll have a salad, dressing on the side."
2 Drinks: "Is anyone else hungry?"
4 Drinks: "Hey! Know what would be great right now? NACHOS."
8 Drinks: "Fuck. This. Shit. Let's order a pizza!! NO!! TWO pizzas!! And fries! Woooooooo!"


Drinks

Sober: "I'll have a glass of wine. And a water."
2 Drinks: "You call this a glass? Can't I get a pint glass or something? How much is a bottle?"
4 Drinks: "Let's talk mixed drinks..."
8 Drinks: "Shots?? Heeeeeell yes! Line 'em up!"


Bar Music

Sober: (what music?)
2 Drinks: "Wow. Good tunes."
4 Drinks: "I love this song!!!!"
8 Drinks: "Ess-ess-ess-ess... Aye-aye-aye-aye... Eff-eff-eff-eff... Eee-eee-eee-eee... Tee-tee-tee-tee... Why-why-why-why... Sa-a-a-fety DANCE! We can dance if want to! We can leave your friends behind! Because your friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!!!"


Facebook

Sober: "Jamie is tired.... ugh...."
2 Drinks: "Jamie is having a glass of wine...."
4 Drinks: "Jamie thinks sobriety is for the weak."
8 Drinks: "Jamie loves all her friends! and family! and WINE!!!! Wooooooooo!"


My Blog

Sober: "MS sucks."
2 Drinks: "Wanna know why MS sucks? Cause I can't sleep. And I cry. All. The. Time. And I am tired. And weak. And the meds..... christ! the damn needles!! Have I shown you my bruises??"
4 Drinks: "Life could be worse."
8 Drinks: "I don't have a drinking problem. I have a sobriety problem."

(problem solved.)