Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Things that matter.... and things that don't.

Finding out you’re ill puts many things in perspective. Or, I should say, it changes your perspective. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Other times it’s not.

For me, finding out I am sick - and I had to stop myself from using the phrase “something’s wrong with me” because the connotation there isn’t as nice, is it? - really threw many things into black and white for me. And I am a grey person. I live in the grey. I thrive on the grey. But now? Some things are very black and white to me.

Some things matter. And some do not.

I am surprised and saddened to find that some things that I would have considered important to me at one time now, largely, are not. In light of larger issues... larger concerns... and, quite frankly, extremely larger stressors, some things just do not matter.

Let me be clear.

I really do not give a fuck.

I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. Pointless small talk is no longer welcome around here. Put up or shut up, as it were. And then please, get the fuck out of my way.

Because of what I do for a living, I am required to be very giving of myself - very nurturing, empathetic, and kind. I have it within me to be all those things - and enjoy doing so. But because I spend so much of my energy on that process, it leaves me less energy to apply those same qualities to those around me. And the people who are going to get what I have left? Are those who are giving it back to me.

Those who don’t? They no longer matter either.

I had never considered myself a “needy” person. Not in affirmation, support, or assistance. I have never really thought about it much, it just seemed to be my nature.

That has changed for me now too. For better or for worse - and I am nowhere near clear on which it is - this is who I am now.

I need help. I need support. I need some encouragement. I need relationships that nurture me.

For all the people I have nurtured, helped, supported, encouraged, I am sad to see how few were actually giving it back. Not that it was ever a requirement - clearly I chose to surround myself with these people - but seriously? Is this the best they’ve got to give?

Well it’s not enough.

And though it hurts, it also doesn’t matter. I clearly do not have the energy to effect change here. Nor do I want to, quite frankly. The payout has not proven to be worth the effort.

I am tired. All. The. Time.

And I am done.

As an aside to this? I love and appreciate my family and friends and coworkers that have been there for me. Those that have been nurturing and caring and supportive of me. I know it’s not easy. I know I’m not always easy. It’s not always easy to know what I may want or need at any given moment - but thank you for continuing to try.

I don’t say thank you enough.

But please know, what little energy I have left at the end of the day? It’s yours when you need it.

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