Tuesday, September 29, 2009

It's like vomitting.

(As in, maybe once it's all out, I'll feel better.)

Another thing I hate about MS? There are oh-so-many, including the fact that my thoughts and emotions no longer seem to be under my own control, but one particularly galling aspect? I look like I am fine.

Most days, I manage to drag myself out bed, get dressed in something reasonably well put together, make it to work, and then work on making it through work. I'm weak, but most days still have enough energy to function. I'm dazed and confused, but usually able to string a few coherent thoughts together. I'm achey and tired, but I just keep pushing through it. I twitch, but it usually goes unnoticed.

Sometimes though, I can't maintain that front of being fine all the time.

Today was one of those days.

I am really starting to resent those days.

Today, at lunch with my coworkers, I was withdrawn and, unfortuantely, short when spoken to. I was just trying to keep my shit together, so I was sort of lost in my own world. But instead of concern, sympathy, or understanding, I was misunderstood.

"Are you pissed off?"

I hate that. Yes, some days I am angry. Somedays I'm angry about work and somedays I am angry about MS. But somedays I am sad. Or tired. Or confused. Or twitchy.

(there seem to be a lot of those days recently.)

And somedays, I just want a little sympathy. Or a hug. Or an understanding pat on the back. Or even just a look that says "hang in there".

But even when I explain that, no, I'm not mad, I'm just not feeling well and have a lot on my mind, it doesn't really make up for my behavior, does it? In the social/working world, it doesn't fix things. It doesn't excuse it. The misunderstanding is already out there. And I don't have the energy to fix it.

So what's a girl to do?

I'll tell you what this girl is going to do. I'm going to withdraw. Find a safe harbor. Wait for the storm to pass. And if I wait alone, then so be it. It's just a job anyway. I'll continue to put myself together, make it to work, and work on making it through.


Even on the days I look fine. Which are most.

But I will have to avoid any sort of interaction that would reveal otherwise. Because people prefer to not have to deal with sick people. Or sad people. Or people that twitch.

(and can you blame them really?)

Because I don't walk with a limp, or have a sign that says, "be nice to me, I have MS and today's not a good day", I will have to add "working to avoid misunderstanding" to my list of things to work on each day. Which likely just means I am just going to have to avoid being around people somedays. Because I don't have energy to fake it all the time. This is why I told my coworkers about my diagnosis in the first place. I hoped for a little understanding on bad days - without having to constantly explain myself.

Guess I will have to anyway.

Or make a sign.


This sucks.

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