Today it was the little things. But I was able to be grateful for the little things. And grateful that I was able to be grateful. And in that, I found a little bit of peace.
It started with a quote, posted by my friend Erin, but originally from Marilyn Monroe. It really spoke to me, given some of my recent struggles.
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
It made me think about some of the friendships in my life.
(go figure, right?)
I like to to believe that I'm a good friend.... don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect. I am frequently late. I am often absentminded. (read: forgetful as an alzheimers patient.) I can be moody. Oh, and I have this bothersome MS thing.
But, on the more positive side, I am caring and kind. I am fun and, occasionally, funny. I am snarky. (yes, I count that as a good thing.) And I love my friends... genuinely, honestly, and with my whole heart.... for who they are, imperfections and all. Because we are all flawed in our own unique ways.
So all this thinking made me realize: I have a lot to offer a friendship. And maybe I, at times, require something in return. But if someone is not able to handle me in my bad times, then maybe they don't deserve the benefit of the good times. Because even if the bad times are uncomfortable or difficult.... the good times can be truly exceptional. I can be a hell of a friend. But not if it's not reciprocated.
What would be the point?
Later in the day, I had lunch with a friend of mine. A new friend, but a friend who is quickly becoming someone I really enjoy spending time with. We have the most random conversations... and it's wonderful. He's a good bit younger than me, but, despite the age difference, we seem to have a lot in common. And I feel like he innately understands me in many ways.
And it gives me hope.
That newfound hope is the hope that not all new friendships will eventually deteriorate under the pressure of my illness. Perhaps there is a chance that these new, fragile, friendships will be able to strengthen, grow, flourish... despite the potential complications and misunderstandings.
There is hope.
Of course, I have yet to pee on his couch.... metaphorically speaking, or otherwise.
Clearly I am not ready to test this theory just yet. Let me hold on to the hope a little longer. And enjoy the peace that it brings.
Even if it's just for today.... even if it's only until the next wave....