Thursday, August 12, 2010

Sometimes one morning can be like a metaphor for my whole life.

hmmmm.... maybe I should wear a dress today. It's nice to look nice every once in a awhile. How are my legs...? Oh, yeah, going to need to shave.

Okay, legs shaved, yay me! Better moisturize.... hairy legs? bad. dry scaly legs? not much better.

Okay, legs moisturized, yay me! Let's go for the black dress. Black is slimming. Slimming is good.

Yay black dress! Let's go check this out in the mirror..... wait a.... wait.... what?

what. the. fuck.

I am not four months pregnant. The last time I wore this dress, I am pretty sure I didn't *look* four months pregnant. Why do I look four months pregnant?!??

(Sidenote, because I feel the need to clarify: This was not a "gee, the way this dress is all empire waisted makes it look like a maternity dress." This was a "the way this dress is clinging to my bloated midsection makes me look FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT!!!")

((Note to self: Invest in some spanx. Soon. Like, now.))

Okay, new outfit..... shit..... what am I going to wear? What doesn't make me look pregnant? Let's start with black pants then. Black is slimming. In theory. Slimming is still good. In theory.

Dammit! These underwear do *not* go with pants....

hmmmm.... okay, cute little black and white top with a black crop sweater...... whoaaaaaa..... too much cleavage. Cute little black and white top *with* a black camisole *and* a black crop sweater..... a black camisole that apparently can double as a sports bra...... ugh. Uni-boob. I might as well have an ass crack coming up out of the top of the schizophrenic camisole.

But.... I do like this sweater....

So, what can I wear with this bla.... wait, what's this thread here...? AAAAGGGHHHH! No! Stop unraveling!!! SHIT!!!! Stop pulling the thread!!!

Okay.... no time to sew the sweater..... or would that be knit the sweater....? darn the sweater....? Fuck it, if I don't know which it is, I don't know how to fix it..... unless.....

Ah yes, there, that staple is holding nicely.... and you can almost not see the silvery glint.... I mean, if you didn't know it was there..... hmmmm..... does this solution make me clever and resourceful....? Or just white trash....? No time to worry about it, I need a new shirt.....

This shirt...? Maybe....? Let me just.... go.... look....


Does this overly blousey midsection make me look pregnant....?

Fuck it. I'm going to work.

(Seriously? It's like I shaved my legs for nothing people.)

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