Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I like to feel pretty. Sue me.

So I am preparing to leave my current place of employment for another, less glamorous, position. Yes, yes, I know... what's so glamorous about a boys-only military school? Um, well, not much really. It perpetually smells like boy funk. And really? There's a fine coating of spit over every single floor, walkway, stairwell, etc. I won't even get started on the penis drawings in the bathroom.

(Wouldn't you think, being boys, they would draw, oh, I don't know.... boobs?)

Um, you'd be wrong. I call this piece "Penis in Water on Sidewalk." It's quite inspired, really. I'm just not sure what the thing above it is.... a turtle maybe? a beetle? Who knows. Maybe I don't want to know.

My point is, a school full of teenage boys = not so glamorous, I know. But.... it made me feel glamorous.

See? here's the thing. In a public school, there are an absurd number of teenage girls to make me feel simultaneously old/fat/wrinkly/incredibly smart. (hey, not everything about getting older is bad. just sayin.) Plus, there is a TON more faculty. The chances of my ranking among the "good-looking" of said faculty goes down the higher numbers I am competing with.

(yes, I said "competing".... this is my post, just let me explain.)

((I swear I have a point.))

At.... my current place of employment.... (I think I have avoided actually using their name anywhere on here previously and I'd like to continue in that vein.) I was pretty!! Or, at least, I was considered so.

How do I know?

Because I had to sit various boys down at different times throughout my first year there and explain what was appropriate, what was not, and that, though I may be nice, I will just as soon claw their eyes out if they didn't learn some respect.

(the talks went something like that anyway.)

By the second year, I only had to have one sit down.... but.... I have to say..... nothing better than using embarrassment as a learning tool. (You want to say what about me to your friends? Okay, say it to my face.) So, I would say my first year of numerous talks paid dividends in the second year.

However, only in a place that is so without female influence would I be considered a hot piece. (along with my few other female coworkers, some of whom I know endured inappropriate comments as well.) You see, in my head, this is what I look like:

In a female deprived environment? it was easier to go along with this delusion.

I will miss this delusion.

You see, in the real world - by comparison to the masses - this is more what I actually look like:

(that's right, you work it Rosie... I do that same thing to make it look like you can kinda-sorta-in-the-right-lighting see my cheekbones. RuPaul would be proud. Or appalled. Actually, I have no idea how he would feel, so never mind.)

So, now I'm heading back into a public school. Back into an environment that just begs to remind me of that awkward insecure teenager I was. Back into an environment where I have to rely solely on my charm, snark, intelligence, personality, talent....



I'll be fine.


(but, I will miss feeling pretty.)


  1. OMG I AM DYING!!!!!!!!!!! J, seriously? Hysterical...don't make us wait so long for the next one, kay?

  2. OK - first things first - you DO NOT in ANY WAY look like fucking Rosie O'Donnell!! Get over it. :P

    Second, I'm happy you got a new job, though I hope your cadets can manage without their hot-ass counselor to help them pick colleges. :)

    Congrats, jay!