Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I wish I had something funny to say.

So, I'm sitting here and I can't stop this wretched leaking from the eyes.

(What the fuck eyes, knock. it. off. You're making the nose get in on the action too and that is just.... well, gross.)

In two days I leave the job I've been at for the last two years. And as much as I thought I wanted to leave? As much as I know I have to leave? As much as I know I am making the right choice? Wow. I never thought it would be so hard.

You know how you like to think that without you things would just fall apart and people would feel your absence like a palpable ache in their chest even though you know that's not going to be the case and in actuality you're the only one who's hurting?

Oh, just me then?

Believe me, I have left jobs that I have worked at for much longer than 2 years. I closed a business that I still have dreams about and awake with pangs of displacement that feel like I left something crucial behind while packing for a permanent vacation. But this place.... these last two years.... to say they have been the most intense of my life might be an overstatement... but not by much.

The unfortunate thing is that all my emotions about this place and these people are mixed up with all the emotions and reality of coming to terms with MS. Never will I be able to think about these last two years without the one being inextricably entwined with the other. And never will I be rid of the MS. It's just a big old pile of good and bad and happy and sad and funny and painful memories.... all balled up together.

Two years ago, I walked into this place without a diagnosis. MS was just a possible cause for some unexpected, and conveniently being ignored, MRI results. No, I was not sick. I was sinking my teeth into my first "real" counseling position and it was a challenge. The boys were needy, the parents were demanding and occasionally irrational, many of my coworkers were just as green as me. I was challenged. I didn't falter. I thrived.

However, I couldn't live in feigned ignorance forever. And the diagnosis came. Followed in swift fashion by the medications. And supplements. And symptoms. And side effects. And emotions. And insanity. And fear.

But the boys were just as needy, the parents just as out of touch with reality, and the coworkers had become friends. In some ways, a needed lifeline. To sanity. To strength. To humor. To perseverance. Because no matter how I was feeling? The days marched on. And I was needed, so I was there. I came to need all of them as much as they needed me. Maybe more. Probably more. I'm the one with the palpable ache, after all.

(seriously eyes, give it a rest! do you have any idea how hard it is to type in the dark and while crying?)

((answer: really hard.))

Now, two years later, I am leaving this place.... a changed person. A stronger person. A weaker person. A better counselor. (Actually, a damn good counselor.) A needier person. A snarkier person. A more real person. A scared and sad person. I am leaving all that forged me into this changed person and trying out the fit at a new place. Without support. Untethered. Unneeded. Afraid.

There are so many goodbyes I need to say. So many things I can't say without coming completely unglued. So little time to say them in, if I could.

So I will say them here, anonymously, and hope they find the people meant to see them.

I will miss you.
I will always love you.
I hope I am wrong.
I am so proud of you. (No, more proud than you realize.)
I will never forget you.
Thank you.
I will miss you.
Thank you.
You are stronger than you know.
I'm sorry.
We had fun, didn't we?
Good luck.
Your hug? made the whole year worthwhile.
Thank you.
I'm sorry we didn't have more time.
You always made me smile.
"What the fuck, Doyle?"
I wish things were different.
This is not the end.
Thank you.
I will miss you.
I will miss you.
I will miss you.

I will miss you.

I guess it's time to see how this new me fits - MS and all - in a new environment. But I will never forget the place and people that helped me figure out what this new MS version of me meant.

(not that I am 100% clear on that yet either... it's an ongoing process I suppose.)

((but it's time anyway.))


  1. Ma'am,
    Keep your chin up. You are not leaving the friendships you formed nor are you leaving the love that is given to you and especially the support. You are simply relocating your your tangible status in peoples lives. you will NEVER leave the mental or emotional state of the friends around you at your previous job. Never forget where you came from because the lives you effected there will be with you for the rest of your life.

  2. seriously, sis - thats a great cadet there!