Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Life is too short. It's also too long. Be careful what you wish for.

A while back, I was wishing fervently for apathy.


I should have known that would come back to bite me on my fat white ass.

Recently, it seems that my moods swing wildly..... between apathetic and wildly depressed.

Um, yeah, maybe I should have been more clear. The apathy? Was to replace the depression. Not the - few and far between - moments of feeling okay. So if someone could go ahead and fix that? It would be greatly appreciated. Life is too short to continue to feel like this all the time. It's also too long. Basically, it's just unacceptable.

Don't get me wrong.... I know I've actually got a lot going on right now. Maybe this isn't at all related to the MS stuff.... but.... isn't it easier to simply blame it on the MS?

Survey says!


(fuck you MS....)

The shit of it is, I have no idea if it's actually just the MS. I have a feeling it's not. You know how you walk in to a room.... and something just smells.... bad? And yet, you can't track the source of the odor? But it's there.... and persistent.... and you never quite get used to smelling it, so you feel compelled to keep looking around? As if somehow a rotten egg or a dead mouse is just going to appear and you can clean it up and spray some lysol and move on with things?

No? Just me? Okay then.

(although I fear now I may have influenced how you think of my housekeeping abilities....)

Life is like that though. Marriage. Job. Friends. Family. Parenthood. Health. Happiness. It's just all jumbled up, intertwined, in one big pile of mess. And somewhere? In that mess? Something might be rotting.... and I don't know what it is. And I have two choices. I can ignore the stink and hope the odor eventually becomes something I'm accustomed to.... or, I can dig through the mess, sort out the entanglement, and find out where it's coming from.

Yeah. Life is messy like that.

1 comment:

  1. As much as ignoring it is the most tempting option, Jay, you need to sort through the mess to find some semblance of order.

    Also, talk to your doctor about the Cymbalta; it has side effects that could make depression worse. I'm actually going to be doing just that soon for myself - I have SEVERE mood swings recently, and have fits of crying, anxiety, you name it - and the meds don't help it. I don't know if it's PMS or the meds or what, but it's gotten worse since i went on the cymbalta. And i have many days of feeling apathetic vs okay.

    Sucks too, because I was really feeling like these meds were right...not so much anymore...