Sunday, August 12, 2012

I'm trying to think of a clever title. I got nothin'.

It's been almost two months since I've written anything here but I have a very good reason for it: I've been slowly and methodically losing my god. damn. mind. 

Since the two year clinical trial I was in was wrapping up this summer, my husband and I decided that if we were ever going to have a second child? this was the time to try. I mean, I'm not getting any younger and I'm certainly not getting any healthier. And maybe most importantly - for me anyway - Callie really wants a sibling. Even if there will be a large age difference. I mean, she's gonna grow up with a crazy momma. She at least deserves to have someone to commiserate with.

So, in order to even consider any of this, I had to get off of ALL of the medication I've been taking. Most notably, the psychoactive meds that have been keeping me somewhat sane the last 3+ years. And that? has proven much harder than I ever imagined. 

I've been white-knuckling my way through it, but it sucks. Everything in me just wants to scream white-hot rage at everything else.  And I don't think it's fair to put everything and everyone in the world on blast just because I'm broken. 

But I really *really* want to. 

So, instead, I find myself building walls and reinforcing old, well-established walls. Not only to protect myself but to protect others who really shouldn't have to put up with my shit. 

"Oh, but we love you and we want to support you and it's okay because we know it's hard...."


If you can say that, you obviously haven't yet been run over by the out-of-control trainwreck that is me. I am destructive, people. Give me something good and pretty, and I will crush it. Not usually on purpose, but, meh, it happens. Some people are water signs, earth, air, whatever. I'm TNT. I blow. shit. up. 

It has just been particularly difficult recently. I'm almost off all of my meds completely and everything in my body is screaming for the serotonin it seems incapable of producing itself. My anxiety is at an all-time high, I'm crying on a daily basis, my jaw is so screwed up from - what? clenching my teeth? I don't even know - that half the time I can't bite down anymore, I can't sleep, and when I do my dreams make me regret it. I'm in withdrawal from the meds and I know someof that will pass, but some of it won't.

And even as hard as it's been to ween off of these meds? I want more than ANYTHING for this next year to pass as quickly as possible so I can just go back on whatever-the-fuck-it-takes to keep me from losing my mind completely. 

I'm amazed at how much *better* I was actually feeling before. Even for my bad days, it was so much better than now.

So much better. 


  1. Coming from someone else who's battling keeping off his anxiety/depression/I'm-a-hot-mess meds, I totally know what you mean. It sucks. I want to kill everyone.
    But know that you're not alone. And we do love you, Aunt Jamie. :)