Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Yes, I do, in fact, want a cookie.


I have literally been "on a diet" since I was 12. That's more than 20 years of feeling guilty about what I was or wasn't eating at any given point.

Let me be clear about this: I did not need to diet at 12.

I thought I was "fat".

I was not.

Now that I have had to legitimately struggle with my weight for many years, I can see the difference. From my highest weight (which was 245 - seriously y'all. It's not like I'm 6'9". Or even 5'9" for that matter.) to my lowest (which was still 20lbs heavier than my "teenage" weight but gloriously wonderfully thin - for me - and a weight I stayed at for all of 30 minutes before creeping my way back up the scale) I have constantly struggled.

And it's bullshit. Not the struggle - that's a given. I will always have to work against the medical conditions that want to make me F-A-T... because that also makes me W-E-A-K.... and they prefer me that way. So, I struggle. Against genetics, my health, and myself.

What's bullshit is the guilt. I want to get rid of that part. Guilt is such a wasted and useless emotion. I've spent too much time feeling guilty.

What I want is cookies.

(With milk.)

((Not guilt.))

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