Fat is the new black.

Today as I was getting dressed, I convinced myself that dressing entirely in shades of black and grey - in multiple layers - would somehow slim and, at the same time, camouflage, the obscene amount of weight that I have gained recently. Black tank top, dark grey (baggy) low cut shirt, lighter grey long sweater (long sweaters are my fashion fix-all (which don't fix a damn thing, btw)), and black pants. That barely buttoned.

Yeah.

On a lighter note though, it was a good hair day and, paired with some bold lipstick, I was doing my damnedest to draw attention away from my body and up to my face.

The high point of my day actually - a day that was spent unconsciously fidgeting with clothes that were too tight in all the wrong places - was when one of my tenth grade girls told me - mid conversation - that I don't look at all like I'm 33. I can only assume she meant that I look younger than that because otherwise, well, that would be rude and she's a sweet girl. Also, I am assuming that the extra fat is simply plumping up my wrinkles and the pimples are causing some confusion. Yay bad skin?

But it is beginning to wear on me. (You know, the fact that I can't wear most of my clothes, that is.) I know part of it is the meds I'm taking. Mega doses or hormones will do that. Period. But also? Work is stressing me out. I might be losing my job to budget cuts. Late nights at work are sapping my time and energy for exercise. And frankly? I just love to eat. Too much. (that's nothing new though.)

So I suppose my choices now involve any combination of learning to purge after binging, making time to exercise, buying bigger clothes, or just continuing to bitch about it. Yep. One of those.....

Although, I will say: the hormones? Still worth it. The fact that I am handling this much stress, at a new job, with a fair amount of instability in my future, without having emotional breakdowns the likes of which would rival any diva and/or my three-year-old daughter when she doesn't get her way? Epically amazing. In fact, the poise and equanimity with which I am facing every day is a little shocking. Sure, some days I am especially bitchy or snarky or even exhausted. But, I am not. losing. my. shit.

And? I totally used the word equanimity correctly.

(even though I didn't spell it right.)

((I'm still giving myself bonus non-brain-fog points.))