Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Why can't I sleep like a normal person?

So I have to get in to see my chiropractor. I have this pain in my back. Mid-way up my back on the right hand side. Started as a dull ache. Then came twinges of pain. I finally have a nice steady hurt going on. Think it's about time I get checked out.

I figure it's likely a strained muscle. Maybe all the sitting on the couch I have been doing finally got the better of me. Clearly I should be stretching before I don't exert energy all day.

Then it occurred to me: what if it's my kidney? I have no idea why it would be my kidney, but why not? I had no idea I had holes in my brain when I went in for a completely unassuming brain MRI two tears ago. Lo and behold: brain holes. So I tell my husband to prepare himself for the worst - my kidney may be next.

To which, my ever loving and supportive husband says to me, "honey, if anything, I am sure you're killing your liver, not your kidneys."

To which I then replied, "No way. If my father hasn't killed his liver by now, mine has a few good decades left on it."

But then it occurred to me: the man has some sort of super metabolism. He's got a 30 inch waist, zero body fat, and can eat ice cream after any major meal without batting an eye. Me? Not so much. I've got the opposite of a super metabolism. I am a famine survivor. Evolution loves my fat ass.

What if he has a super liver as well? And what if I didn't get that either? And where the fuck is my liver? And what does it feel like when that hurts? Shouldn't I be yellow or something?? Do I look yellow???

But it's too late. My ever loving and supportive husband is already snoring away. Blissfully unaware that his wife now has holes in her brain AND a failing liver.



Or at least a defunct kidney.

Okay, or maybe just a muscle strain.

But doesn't it seem more likely that I killed a major organ through some combination of medication and alcohol than straining a muscle through excessive disuse?? I mean seriously people, it's like I barely move. Unless I need to refill my drink.

Fuck. I need to get an appointment. Now.

And maybe a new kidney and/or liver - just in case anyone has extra ones laying around.

(and seriously, there's got to be something I can do about this snoring...)

((clearly I am not getting any sleep tonight... again.))

1 comment:

  1. I'll sell you my kidney; I'm not using it and could use the money! hahaha...

    Seriously, Jay, I think you're just paranoid. I hope your back is better now.