2009 Sucked.

I'm not sure that I made any resolutions last new year's eve. I usually don't, so I am thinking I probably didn't. I wasn't in a very good place last new year's eve. Well, I mean, I was - I was home with my husband, watching the ball drop with the fireplace roaring, and it was a nice evening. But mentally, I was simply at the beginning of what would be a much larger breakdown than I could have imagined.

So, to briefly recap 2009:

My diagnosis of MS was confirmed.

The end.

I mean, I am sure there was more than that. Lots of little good and bad things - but what I will remember about 2009? That friday the 13th in March. And the ensuing fog of days broken up by crying fits, sleepless nights, and twitching.

This year, I figure I will come up with a whole list of resolutions. I mean, what the hell. Last year I didn't have any, and that didn't help.... so having a list couldn't hurt right? I mean, chances are good I won't keep/do most of them anyway. But if I do? Maybe it will give me some good things to remember about 2010.

(shoot for the moon, land among the stars somewhere soft... I hope...)

So, without further ado, and in no particular order:

1. More blogging.

(try to control your excitement)

Writing helps me get it out. Snarky, bitchy, cry-y (??).... whatever, it helps. I don't humor myself in to believing most of it is ever read, but it's not about that. Imagining an audience, even an unknown (ie. imaginary) one, helps me write with a better focus. It's like getting to hear myself talk. Only in my head. Without the crazy feeling. And all I really hear is the keystrokes of my slow ass typing.

2. No more eating potato chips at midnight while blogging.
I think this one is pretty self explanatory. Sorry Frito-Lay. (We had our moment in the sun. I won't forget you.)

3. Lose the 30 pounds I gained in 2009.
First, I think the above resolution will help that. Second, I will not allow MS to have this too. MS can eat up my brain and the meds can scar/bruise/disfigure my arms/legs/stomach/hips - but I will be damned if I let it ruin an entire closet of clothes that no longer fit me. Fuck. That. Shit.

(speaking of my meds....)

4. I will give myself my shot. Every night. Period.
Some nights I don't do it. Sometimes I "don't feel good". And sometimes I morph into this petulant child who somehow feels that not giving myself the shot is a big "fuck you" to MS. But it's not. I know that. I just have to get the fuck over it and do it. Every night.

5. I will stop drinking as much on weekdays when I am damn well finished for the night.
And not a moment sooner.

6. I will take yoga classes.
7. I will take Karate lessons.
8. I will take pole dancing lessons.

(In that order.)

First, I need the yoga to work on my balance and flexibility. I've also heard that it can help center you and make you less likely to want to kill maim slap the shit out of people who desperately need it. Second, I want the karate lessons so I can tone up my body and work on my coordination. Also, when yoga fails and I then need to slap the shit out of those people? I'll be able to do it more efficiently. Lastly, the pole dancing lessons would just kick ass. Who wouldn't want to swing around one of those things? But you have to look good doing that. And the karate would help.

9. I will buy and wear fabulous, funky, high-heeled shoes.
Let's face it: someday MS will (likely) make it difficult (at best) for me to be able to wear those types of shoes. Between the potential loss of coordination and numbness, there will surely come a day when 4 inch heels are even less sensible than they would be now. So while I can? I am going to work those heels for all I can.

10. Rid myself of toxic/unfulfilling/soul-sucking relationships.
I seriously wish they made some infomercial product that could cleanse my system of these people by simply taking some magic potion everyday which induces multiple trips to the bathroom. I would definitely take that over the struggle of actually figuring out how to separate myself from people who drain me.

11. Nurture those relationships which do not fall into the above category.
I am grateful to have people in my life who more than make-up for and outweigh the people who drain me. They deserve my love and support for the love and support they give me. And despite my moments of weakness and neediness, I still have a lot to give as well.

12. Ink.
I have been wanting a tattoo for a long time. And now that I have an idea for one, I have ideas for others. And I want at least one completed on paper, and then on my skin, before the end of 2010. Again, if MS is going to fuck up my body with these injections and such? I might as well pretty up the other areas.

13. Spend more time with my Bean.
I have to work. I don't have an option about that. But the time I have at home? I don't always feel like it's spent in a way that benefits Callie. Some days I am tired. Or crying. Or yelling. Or just too weak to pick her up easily or chase her around the house. So on the days that I feel good? I should be doing more of those things. Because she won't want to do them for forever. And I don't want her to grow up remembering her mom as sick.

14. Exercise more.
I don't know how this fits in with the drained-all-the-time feeling I get. And I also don't know how that fits in with the "more time with Callie" thing, but on the days I am feeling good, I should be using those opportunities to try to maintain my health as well. Even if it's just walking more... or something... anything... I just need to do something.

15. Pay down my debt.
I have no idea where to start with this. I'm thinking the first step would be a job that pays me enough to actually meet our monthly bills. Which, in all honesty, will be tough for me. For as much as I bitch about work, there's a lot I love about my job. However, I have a feeling a bigger paycheck might help ease the pain of leaving. Also, I'm not too proud to take handouts. Just saying.

16. Sleep more.
I really have no idea how to do this. Sleeping issues suck ass through a straw. And it's been so long since I've not had sleeping issues that I don't really remember what it's like to just go to bed at a normal hour and fall asleep. (Seriously, does anyone else know that Star Trek: Next Generation is on at 1am on WGN mid-week? Because if you are in your 30's holding down a 9-5 job and raising a child? You should not.)

17. Make a difference in the world by spreading peace, hope, love, and joy.
Why not, right? I did say I was shooting for the moon.

That's it. I think. For now, seems to be a good start right? I could have included stuff like floss more, see my dentist and eye doctor on a regular basis, keep a neater home, learn to cook.... but really? Who has time for all that mundane stuff. I'm going to be a pole-dancing ninja by the end of 2010.

And I certainly hope I can look back on this new year as the beginning of the end of my breakdown - and not the continuation of an even greater break.