Fuck. this. shit.

I started crying in the hallway of school today - fortunately between periods and I managed to make myself look preoccupied when kids did come wandering by (what's that hanging on the wall? oh yes, incredibly fascinating...). I left my office because I had already hit the point where being-alone-with-whatever-song-might-come-on-Pandora-next was the emotional equivalent of russian roulette. So I got up to walk around. And there I was, tears streaming, right in the hallway.

The HALLWAY, people. 

Of a high school. 

Full of teenagers.

(yep, never a dull moment) 

I'm weening off some of my meds and I'm tackling my anti-anxiety med first. Why? Meh, it seemed like the best (and safest) one to start with. Also, coincidentally, it's the worst one for me to be on long term. I'm down to half my regular daily dose. 

First came the return of the twitches. Little spams, or tics, in the muscles of my arms, legs, and torso. Basically anywhere is fair game, but it's the larger muscles that do it. Enough to make me visibly jerk. It's embarrassing and annoying at times but manageable. Livable. However, that's far from the worst of it. 

My startle reaction is also in high gear. Totally out if control. Meaning, any loud sound or unexpected stimulus makes me jump. Like, literally jump in surprise. I look like a spaz. (hey, there's a word you don't see enough: spaz. Apparently it's 1992. You know, in my head.)

For me, anxiety doesn't manifest in panic attacks. Not usually anyway. It's this constantly tensed state. Like my fight-or-flight reaction got stuck in the "on" position. But that constant state of "whatthefuckisgoingon" is incredibly draining. Like, insanely so. And instead of that energy ramping up into a panic attack, it usually results in crying.

Why crying? Seriously, beats the hell out of me. 

I'm not a cryer. I really dislike it actually. Not because I'm all, "I'm too tough to cry" but just because I'm not a cryer. I'm not overly emotional to begin with. It's just not me. But anxiety? Anxiety apparently likes to cry. And if I try to stop it? That's when the panic attack sets in. My breathing constricts, my heart races, and I basically feel like I will pass out. 

It's FUN. 

In the hallway...... *sigh*

Seriously? I don't have the energy for this shit.